I'm not where I should be.  I'm not where I want to be.  It's time I should make something out of it and go somewhere.  I thought I was on the right track, but now I'm unsure.  

I said I'm going to go places.  I am.  Where?  Who knows.  

Current Mood: contemplative

It's such a sad and dark phase for my LJ.  It's interesting to write during heated moments, then look back a couple weeks later to read such bitter and angry blabbers of mine.  I wish I had more great things to write.  I do.  My life really isn't shit.  It's great.  It could be better, and there are some worries and concerns here and there, but they'll pass,...God-willing. 

Well, I guess there's my attempt at changing up the mood of my poor LiveJounal.  I hope next time I will have good news to brag about instead of dark clouds and bitter sorrows. 

It's time to stay positive, work harder, be more thankful, and pray harder.

Current Mood: hopeful

Lately, the past couple Mondays have been difficult to get through.  I think I need to be better at preparing myself mentally for Monday and the rest of the work week because it's really affecting me at work.  I haven't been motivated to be proactive at work and I've been so disappointed in myself. 

What's up with the funk, Grace? 

I wish I knew.

Current Mood: discontent

I should have never said yes, thinking I was ready....because I'm not.

I've had a dream every night for the past couple nights and they were freakishly vivid! 

I thought I'd take a chance and change it up....but it doesn't look like I'm ready to sacrifice anything just yet.

"Home" is now home.  I'm very surprised at how fast I adjusted to the new place, but that's always a good thing.  Hopefully I won't have to move for another couple years, because moving is a BITCH! 

Life is good, and I'm definitely blessed with great friends and family.

Current Mood: happy

Something is up.  I just know it.

The hype and excitement that I used to have isn't there anymore.  I don't care for it and I don't miss it.  I look back and think, it's too bad it's not how it was back then, but I don't wish it came back.  No thanks.  It's done, and I'm over it.  Sorry, you're just a little too late. 

Honestly, I'm not even looking forward to this "reunion" that just somehow fell on my plate.  But I guess I'll be nice, civil, and sit there with a smile on my face...But deep down inside, I'm cringing because this is nothing but a fucking waste of my night off. 

The moment has passed, and I have moved on. 

Next!

Current Mood: apathetic

With Rita's retirement from Sony, and moving into this new house, I have been busy, it's almost overwhelming.  I'm loving it.  Idleness just gets me into trouble, and I'd rather be swamped than stuck begging for some sort of activity to entertain me.  I hope that will all these changes before me, it will pave more ways for opportunities.  So far, it's looking good so far.  As long as I maintain the energy and motivation to getting shit done, I'm sure I will be fine, if not better.

Here's to change and accepting it.

For once, I'm not bitter and uninviting, but instead, I am welcoming.

Things become so much easier when you have no fear of losing anything.

But really now...

...what do you have to lose?

I was sitting in the doctor's office, and it hit me.... LIFE has been GREAT.  Things HAVE worked out for the best...and maybe for once in a very long time, this is me being HAPPY and LiveJounral is here to witness it.  I don't like to always take out my rants and vents on LiveJournal, but that is my main outlet for my anger.  

It's good.  At one point, I didn't even know what to talk about with my "rant" friend because we usually just RANT.  haha.  We tried to have a normal conversation non-ranting conversation, but it really didn't work.  HAHA.  It's was pretty amusing to see how 'off' it was.

This time it's different.  Things could be better, but they are good enough where I can say it's just enough to be happy. 

What's even better is that I didn't need ANYONE to make that happen.  I did it all by myself.

A good friend of mine made me realize that I should really learn to depend on myself to get shit done, and not anyone else.  I'm working on it...and I'm starting to notice the difference.

It's a dangerous thing when you have so much control over someone, and you KNOW it. It makes it WAY too easy!!!!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I can see right through you.....

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I met him.  Who knows if we ever meet or speak again. 

Current Mood: hopeful

"One of the most important ways we can reclaim our personal power is to admit our mistakes."

Current Mood: full

It happens to everyone.  People do you wrong, they betray you, and they are supposedly your close family and/or best friends.  But it's inevitable, people will eventually let you down and turn on you.  Whatever, that's life. 

As much as you'd like to get revenge on them, you really shouldn't.  Is it really worth it?  It might seem like it at first, but when you really put things in perspective, it's not. 

Someone came to me, asking for a favor to help them dig for dirt on people so they can submit the "evidence" to higher authorities.  First thing I said was, "Bitch, let it go and walk away!"  Really now?  You're going to go OUT OF YOUR way to dig up stupid stuff that happens EVERYWHERE anyway, and use that as ammo to get your revenge?  I'm sorry, but that is pointless and SAD.  After all that shit goes down, then what?  Feel better now?  I highly doubt it. 

Initially, I'd want to shoot people, or wish they choked and died, whatever...you name it.  They deserve it right?  They had the nerve to do me SO wrong, I think I deserve to give them an idea of how it felt...Yeah?  No.  Whatever.  Walk away.  Sometimes it sounds like the bitch move to do, but it really isn't.  It takes a much bigger person to swallow the pain and do nothing.  What ends up happening is, eventually, down the road, good things happen to you, blessings overflow, and you become...happy and successful!!!!....Because instead of worrying about what shit you can come up with to get even, you were able to take care of what was and is most important to you,...and you fucking grow.

Don't be stupid.....haven't you heard???

..............

Success is the best revenge.

Knowing who you are,...that was my goal....that IS and will continuously be my goal.  You never really stop learning about yourself.  And when I decided to move out of to LA, I knew that I needed to find myself and really know who I am.  Most of my life, I was busy knowing who other people were, and didn't bother to pay attention to myself.  I didn't think it mattered.  I gave too much attention to others, hoping that it would benefit myself as much as I thought and wanted.  But when life puts you in situations where you have no control, you are forced to face the things you've tried to avoid so many times and so many years.  And that's how I ended up here....in LA. 

Looking back at how far I have come along in a year, I am amazed at the things we are able to accomplish.  It is NOT easy, though.  There are many things that I still need to continue working on, but everyday I know that I'm getting closer to my goal.  There were a couple instances where I went out on a limb and tried new and different things.  I was open to meeting new people outside of my comfort zone and I took chances.  There were also times I backslid and wasted time on things I knew were foolish, but everyone has those instances.  The most important part is being able to recognize it and snap the fuck out of it.  And now that I'm in the know and no longer in denial, I know when it is time to let go or time to hold on for dear life. 

Knowing myself has never felt better.  Having a good sense of self worth and confidence makes it easy to know when to say yes and no, and also when to say, "Hey, fuck you, you douche."  It's true!!  Right?  I'm not going to deny it, but I was a "people pleaser".  Part of my nature still is.  That's just my character.  But now I'm just better at knowing my boundaries.  I'd still like to be even better.  

For a couple months now, I've been wondering, waiting, wishing, and hoping that some things would be more clear....Or that some sign, in flashing lights, would pop out and give me the answer to what I was looking for.  Well, it finally came.  It wasn't as obvious as I'd hope, but it was more than enough for me to take it and run with it.  I'm tired of taking the denial route and pretending that I didn't see that sign or thinking that things weren't clear enough for me to make any decision.  The road of desperation is humiliating and pathetic!  There's no use in lying to myself.  It's not going to change anything or benefit me in any way.

No, he doesn't like you.  Deal with it and move on to the next. 
No, you aren't good enough to sing in public.  Be quiet and practice at home. 
No, you aren't the one he loves, she is.  Get the fuck out! 
No, your friend is taking advantage of you.  Find new friends.
No, you're not fit for the job.  Work harder.
No, it's not you, it's me.  Fuck you.

It's all random and irrelative.  But I see people all the time who make excuses for themselves and others, when in actuality, they're just afraid of hearing the god awful truth.

I just wanted to remind myself that I don't ever have to settle for anything I know that I don't deserve.  Fuck the insecurity.  It's nothing but another bad thing that is preventing you from being who you are capable of being, and getting what you rightfully deserve. 

Current Mood: good